A Father’s Perspective
Hi, my name is Alan. I want to share with you my story, from a
father's perspective, of having a child with special needs.
It all started when our beautiful boy Dean, born on our second
anniversary (20 April 1999) arrived into this world. Robyn and I
were both elated to see our 2.3kg bouncing boy in our arms. Everything
was great until day two when Dean started to have convulsions and
a cat scan revealed that he had a brain haemorrhage. We were in
shock and denial! He had major surgery to evacuate the clot and
was in the neonatal intensive care unit for six weeks.
Finally, we were able to bring Dean home! We were so happy to leave
the hospital and have Dean with us, without doctors and nurses hovering
around us all the time. Dean certainly looked so much better, and
was feeding well. At the same time, we were nervous too as you can
well imagine. Luckily our family and friends were very supportive.
I took four weeks leave from work to be home with Dean and Robyn.
I took an active part in all the daily activities, (yes, including
late night feeds and nappy changes) which was tiring but rewarding.
I found it very hard at that stage to explain what had happened
to friends and repeatedly having to say that we don't know what
the future will bring for Dean. After a while I tried to avoid talking
about it.
Medical appointments came thick and fast for the next twelve months.
It was all too much - having to decipher what the doctors were telling
us in their medical jargon. My head would pound for the next few
days. Sometimes I really didn't want to hear or believe what they
were forecasting. I tried to distract myself at work by working
longer hours and bringing work home, and it took a year to realise
everything was catching up with me. Recognising that Robyn needed
time out, I eventually resigned from my work to be at home to share
the load with her. I encouraged Robyn to go overseas for a holiday
and a well earned rest for four weeks, which she loved. During the
time I was alone with Dean (with some respite care), I got very
attached to him. I took Dean to all his appointments, did physio
with him, took him for walks and visits (Dean was teething at this
time which kept me on my toes and gave me little sleep). I learnt
a lot about Dean, his likes, dislikes, I really cherished these
moments.
Last year, Robyn and I attended Dr. Elizabeth Bruce's ‘Block
and Tackle’ six week workshop on dealing with loss grief and
trauma. I was one of two men in a group of ten and I found it challenging
and confronting. It gave me a chance to express my feelings about
Dean and come to terms with our situation. It was also good to hear
other people’s experiences and their coping techniques. We
realised that we were not the only ones with a huge challenge in
front of us. It encouraged Robyn and I to talk and share our feelings
and anxieties during and after the session. I highly recommend this
workshop to other parents and would encourage more fathers to attend.
Now Dean is nearly two and he still can't crawl or talk, but he
does show signs of continuous improvement. I have recently gone
back to tertiary studies and doing some part time work in my profession.
In hindsight, I am happy with the decision to leave my work, and
spend quality time with my family. This has all given me a completely
different perspective and meaning to life and I take little for
granted these days. I will never lose hope!
I welcome the opportunity for other dads who feel the need to chat
about their situation to contact me either by phone (03) 9592 2444
or e-mail kohna@unite.com.au
Alan Kohn
Dads Understanding Challenged Kids (DUCKS)
The Ducks are a group of fathers of kids with disabilities. They
met during a weekend workshop for Dads and the many issues they
encounter while bringing up kids with disabilities. Ducks meet monthly
at a small, inexpensive pizza restaurant in Brighton. The atmosphere
is ‘man friendly,’ non-intrusive and very supportive.
Dads are from all walks of life and their children’s disabilities
vary. For meeting dates see their website at http://www.members.optushome.com.au/the_ducks/
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